The westbound platform

What is it that you need to make the journey in to work an enjoyable experience? Ok well, if not enjoyable then at least less fraught with obligation. Is it your favourite CD blaring from your car stereo; or a completely engrossing book to keep you company on the train? Perhaps it’s just a smile from the cute guy who gets the same bus. It most certainly is not the train announcer on the westbound platform at Victoria underground station at 8am. A pre-requisite for a train announcer’s job should be that you are not an annoying, most probably failed radio DJ who loves the sound of your own voice. Good God woman take a breath and give our poor bleeding ears a rest! On and on she drones every morning in the most ridiculous voice that sounds like she’s announcing the entrance of the Queen of England, in a never ending clash of syllables littered with what I can only imagine she thinks are “dramatic pauses”.

E.G

“Good morning ladies and gentleman (always starting nice and polite, lulling you into a false sense of security), the train shortly arriving on this westbound platform will be… (insert dramatic pause)… a district line train to Wimbledon. Please stand behind the yellow line for your own safety, please stand behind the yellow line (ok, we heard you the first time lady but thanks for your concern). That’s a district line train to Wimbledon now arriving on the platform calling at Sloane Square, South Kensington, Gloucester Road, Earl’s Court, Putney Bridge and all stations to Wimbledon (hmmm, slightly annoyiong to list EVERY station on the line but maybe helpful for those who can’t see). Please allow customers off the train before boarding and mind the gap between the train and the platform. Once again, please allow all passengers off the train before boarding…(insert dramatic pause) … and mind the gap between the train and the platform (ok, this repetition is really starting to make my head want to explode). The next train to arrive on the platform will be a circle line train in 3 minutes calling at South Kensington, Gloucester Road, High Street Kensington, Notting Hill Gate, Paddington and all stations via Baker Street (ahhhh, again with the listing of stations!). As you enter the platform please move to you left, move to you left (and ahhhh, again with the repetition!) as you enter the platform ladies and gentleman otherwise you are blocking the entrances to the platform. There is plenty of space at the end of the platform so please turn left as you enter the platform. DO NOT TURN RIGHT (don’t tell me what to do!). And please stand behind the yellow lines. THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY (for your own safety I suggest you stop talking!). The train now arriving on the platform is a circle line train…(insert dramatic pause) a circle line train. I repeat the train now arriving…”

Ok and by this point I just want to throw myself in front of the circle line train which I would know is calling at South Kensington blah blah blah even if I hadn’t just had it drilled in to my brain like an annoying little woodpecker drilling a hole in a tree trunk because I can read it on the big tube maps that are plastered everywhere. And it is relentless. I’m sure her mother must have gotten her manners lessons quite wrong and instead of instilling in her daughter the polite action “If you don’t have something nice to say then don’t say anything at all”, filled her daughter’s head with “If you don’t have something to say, say something, ANYTHING, anyway”.